The Good, The so-Bad-it’s-good, and The Ugly.

It’s been a theatre-free couple of weeks, so I’m once again turning my mind to the silver screen and reviewing a few films I recently had both the fortune and misfortune to see. As I’m not reviewing professionally I’ve got a bit of scope to let loose (strap in, it’s a long one), including with my first ever one-star verdict. But let’s start with the good!

Harbin (1 hr 56 mins, not on wide release)

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

This week I was lucky enough to be treated to a trip to London’s fantastic British Film Institute for the closing ceremony of the Korean Film Festival. I’m not a devotee of K-culture by any means (I’m not opposed to it, I just don’t actively seek it out) so I wasn’t sure what to expect. The film we saw was Woo Min-ho’s fantastic historical thriller Harbin, and I was more than impressed. Set in 1909 during Korea’s long battle for independence against Japan, it depicts a small group of rebels plotting the assassination of Japanese PM Ito Hirobumi. (Though the assassination and the film’s protagonist are both borrowed from real Korean history, a quick Google suggests many of the secondary characters and plot details are products of creative licence.) Starting with a gritty war sequence before transitioning into something akin to a spy story, Harbin is packed with great action sequences and a gripping central story.

I’m told that the fight for independence is a popular topic for Korean fiction, but as someone unfamiliar with the tradition the setting was fresh and exciting. The aesthetic of early 20th century Eurasia offers an exotic backdrop for a plot full of intrigue, mystery and high drama. Our hero Ahn’s burning desire for revenge is first sparked when his ill-judged act of mercy in battle results in the slaughter of his men. He sets his sights on Ito, but standing in his way are both the dogged Japanese general Tatsuo Mori, who has a personal axe to grind with Ahn, and the ever-present threat of moles and spies. It’s a really compelling story, and stylishly told.

Woo is a fine director – dramatic and action scenes alike are filled with tension, keeping the narrative constantly engaging. He’s aided by fantastic cinematographer Hong Kyung-pyo, who makes the film look beautiful, so I was particularly glad to have seen this on the big screen. If I were the type to do half-stars, I might dock one from Harbin for a few narrative touches that stray towards the far-fetched; the way in which the rebels acquire the explosives critical to their plan, for example, seems unnecessarily convoluted. The character of Ms Gong, too, seems obviously shoehorned in because somebody realised there wasn’t a single other female character in the film. But even these slightly clumsy narrative choices result in some really enjoyable scenes: Ms Gong is a badass, and the soldier-turned-bandit who sells the gang the explosives is unhinged in a very watchable way.

Harbin was a box office hit in Korea, but it’s unlikely to be released elsewhere. It’s a shame – it’s a fantastic film and one that really benefits from the big-screen experience.

The Running Man (2 hrs 13 minutes, in cinemas)

⭐

*Editor’s note (and yes, the editor is also just me): If you think this review is long now . . . it used to be longer, this is the edited version of the rant! 

Perhaps I was particularly overjoyed by Harbin because I saw it just three days after wasting fourteen whole British pounds and over two hours of my life to see the incredibly frustrating new adaptation of Stephen King’s The Running Man. 

One star might be a little unfair I suppose, in the sense that The Running Man does technically fulfil the requirements of being a competent movie: the camera was pointing in the right direction; nobody flubbed their lines; the shots were edited in the correct sequence. But given all this film had going for it – a cool premise, a charismatic lead, everyone’s favourite indie-turned-Hollywood director Edgar Wright – it’s all the more infuriating to see it emerge as such unconsidered, poorly crafted slop. 

I think the premise of The Running Man is a great one. We’re in a near-future dystopia where bad-tempered Ben Richards has been fired from every job he’s ever had because he defends his fellow workers against their corporate overlords. Desperate for cash to help his sick child, he is convinced by an evil Network executive (not a typo – the TV network in the film is called Network) to sign onto the deadly game show The Running Man. The show sees three contestants go on the run, getting a 12-hour headstart on the authorities, and if they can make it to 30 days without capture they take home a cash prize. If they’re caught, they’re killed. On top of having to evade ever-present government surveillance, participants must also escape the glare of the general public, who are offered incentives for reporting a sighting.

To me at least, this premise seems like a sure-fire winner for a strong action flick. But The Running Man manages to both overcomplicate and underthink the plot into something too ridiculous for even the action scenes to redeem. 

The first problem is that there’s not nearly enough effort put into creating the world in which the plot takes place. I went in wanting a unique, gritty, visually appealing design of a near-future dystopia, and what I got was Glen Powell in a hoodie and several shots of a barely disguised London (the film is unequivocally set in America). As well as being just visually boring, this makes it hard for the viewer to have any context for the central story. If I’m being generous, I’d say perhaps the lack of worldbuilding is meant to make the audience think this world is not so far ahead of our own, in the style of a cautionary tale. But the crucial difference between this world and ours is that this world has literal bloodsports in it, and the film never makes much of an effort to explain why that’s the case – because it doesn’t bother telling us much about this world at all. 

Moving on to problem two: the plot is a hot pile of stinky garbage. Stinky, stinky garbage. Surprisingly, the Wikipedia summary of the original novel suggests this film is a close adaptation. That was an incredibly poor decision. This is a film in which stuff just happens, seemingly for no reason – or rather, because Ben needs it to happen to survive, miraculously, time and again through no agency of his own. Like when he first goes on the run, and all of a sudden we’re introduced to a brand new character who is apparently Ben’s good mate and who can make him an entire disguise and fake ID (how convenient!). Or when Ben is taken in by a family he meets by chance on the street, who keep him hidden in their home at great personal risk to themselves, before kicking him out, because of (checks notes) the great personal risk to themselves. Apparently. And don’t even get me started on Michael Cera’s booby-trapped house. Or the fact that halfway through the movie we’re introduced to the idea that Network can fake whatever video footage they like, which sort of defeats the entire purpose of the movie (why do you need to make Ben do anything if you could just fake it on video in the first place? Why do you even need to make the TV show?). I could go on, and on, and on . . .

But more than the non-existent world design and the stinky stinky plot, the really unforgivable thing about The Running Man is that it’s absolutely no fun at all. In a film like this – remember, it’s made by the Cornetto Trilogy guy and it’s got hottie tottie Glen Powell in a towel – you’d put up with a lot of plot nonsense for laughs, good action sequences and directorial flair. The Running Man has none of these. There are maybe one or two ok action sequences, but on the whole the action is poorly directed and hard to see. The humour falls flat and, well, I’ve already covered the lack of style . . .

This is a film with a whole lot of flaws and pretty much nothing to recommend it. A massive waste of potential and not worth anyone’s time. 

The VelociPastor (1 hr 15 minutes, Amazon Prime)

⭐⭐⭐⭐

I’ll return my heartrate back to normal by reviewing something that actually does tick all the silly-but-fun boxes: Amazon Prime’s new addition The VelociPastor.

The VelociPastor is a 75-minute film about a priest who can turn into a dinosaur. 

And that really about sums it up. Well, that and there’s a romance plot where said priest falls in love with a sex worker he saves from a thug (while he’s in dino-mode, of course), who convinces him to use his powers for good. Oh and he’s being chased by Chinese evangelicals who are advancing their religious mission through drug running. And there’s also a whole thing about his priest mentor, a tortured Vietnam vet, trying to exorcise him.

By all the traditional criteria, The VelociPastor is a terrible movie – it has a ridiculous plot, awful dialogue and non-existent special effects. But if you’re focusing on that you’re really missing the point. The film is called The VelociPastor, for crying out loud – writer/director Brendan Steere knew what he was aiming for and to be honest he’s executed it to a t. It’s a very knowing, very intentional riff on a certain type of shlock horror film – fans of Garth Merenghi’s Darkplace will recognise something of the same ilk. Depending on which way you look at it, it’s either very stupid or very clever. Either way, it’s bloody hilarious, and if you’re prepared to get on board with the premise, you’ll laugh a lot. Speaking from experience, I’d say this film goes down nicely with a few drinks – in much the same way its Amazon Prime stablemate War of the Worlds was improved with a beverage or two.